Saturday, August 19, 2006

To Kill Or Not To Kill That Is The Question

Okay, I recently had this great idea, along with good friend Curtis Chenoweth. We were going to throw this party and do it up right. As a part of the party was going to be 3 major events;

• The celebration of his National Collegiate, NAIA, Wrestling Championship and my son Nathan’s Fargo Junior Greco National Championship.
• The presentation of Preachers Brew, our home made brew.
• Food and fun, along with a roasted pig.

We were excited, ready to go, three things that could be a lot of fun, and help with the encouragement of a great deal of fellowship. Point 1 was a done deal, no one would ever take the National Championships away from the two, their names would be posted on public display at the National Wrestling Hall of Fame in Stillwater for as long as the museum stands as a testimony to their accomplishments.

Preachers Brew was complete and ready to be labeled and bottled. We had even had the sacrificial honor of testing the brew to make sure that it was indeed brew, and well, it passed with flying colors.

Thirdly, and the only thing to work on was the hog roasting, it was here that we ran into some issues.

Curtis and his mom, Pam were on the ball, they eventually came across a 275 pound hog. That was good, a lot of meat and we knew it being roasted on an open fire would provide a scrumptious pleasure to the taste buds and palate. The closer we got to the event though, we recognized, there were going to be some problems.

First we were going to have to get a live hog from the man who had the swine. Have you ever had the experience of working with pigs? Well let me tell you this, they are too smart for their own good. I once lived on a farm with my aunt in Middle Tennessee, I will tell you without doubt, I don’t think I have ever been as mad as I was the day one of the pigs got out of its pin and I had to get the crazy thing back in. Let me tell you, they talk about donkeys and mules being stubborn, they don’t hold a candle to a pig. I worked all day and came to the conclusion that pigs are the most stubborn animal on the planet.

All I could think of when Curtis told me about getting the pig, was; “I don’t care how many of us they are, this aint going to be fun!” I also thought, “There aint no way on God’s green earth that my wife is going to let me put that pig in the van to haul it.” You see, this brought up another problem.

Not only were we going to have to get the hog, we were going to have to transport it to where we was going to have it butchered. Neither of us had a truck, and like I said earlier, I aint dummy enough to put a live 275 pound hog in the van to take to where we was going to kill it. I can just imagine me trying to explain that one to the Highway Patrolman who would certainly pull us over after I started swerving in the van to avoid the attacking, wild pig, that Curtis couldn’t control. Sooo, we started thinking of friends. It wouldn’t be until later when I heard back from the messages I had left my friends saying, “You want to do what?” that I would realize the lunacy of us transporting a pig around Wichita.

Well we had made some phone calls, remember I hadn’t heard back from anyone yet about their truck, and we realized that we was going to have to not only be the pig transporter, we was going to have to be the 275 pound pig butcher. It was then we said to each other, “You ever killed a pig?” I had seen it done in my youth, and Curtis said he had as well. Sooooo., we then decided to refresh our memory. I said to Curtis, “You know what, there has to be people doing this that has video’s on YouTube.”

“Yea,” Curtis responded, “Let’s check it out.”

Sooooo, we went to the trusty office here at the house, went to YouTube and checked it out.

For the next 30 minutes or so, we came to the quick realization of what it meant for a couple of boys like us to have to kill or butcher this pig. Now we already knew that we would have to bleed the pig, then transport the dead pig to the person who was going to cook it, and then after that, transport the cooked pig back to the place we were going to have the party. We knew work was involved, but we were still good, that is, was still good until those thirty minutes or so was up.

We learned several ways that boys like us could kill the 275 pound hog we was going to go get. One was to hit it over the head with a sledge hammer. When the pig was knocked out, we could get out this big old knife and then cut its throat. Of course during this process we learned that the knocked out pig soon wakes up and when it does, you better have several people there to help hold the 275 pound, at this point, mean, screaming at the top of it’s lounges pig. We also learned you better have a real sharp knife.

We also saw a pig tied to a tree, then shot in the neck with a arrow from a bow and arrow. After this we saw a pig shot in the head with a rifle, and then the hardest one, was four or five guys go right to the throat cutting while holding down the pig. Now in each of the scenarios there was a large sharp knife, loud horrendous screaming, and a throat cutting with gurgling that was involved. As for me, I don’t know if you remember the TV show Green Acers or not but all I could think of was Wilber from that television show, and a grown up Babe from the movie Babe. I am a lot of things, as is Curtis, we are both tough, in our own way, we are both at times ruthless, in our own way, we both love to eat, in our own way, but one thing we weren’t was Babe or Wilbur killers. The last thing we wanted was PETA on our backs for cruel and unusual punishment when we had to kill the pig in the way we had just witnessed.

Soooooo, now you all know why we aren’t having a pig roast. We decided instead, hamburgers and hot dogs. That way, we wouldn’t have to kill anything, wouldn’t need a truck, wouldn’t have to drain any blood, wouldn’t have to haul back to where we was going to be eating any dead thing, and above all, wouldn’t have to try and explain to my wife why there was all of this blood in the car and why I had to be bailed out of jail after we had been arrested by that highway patrolman I mentioned earlier.

Some have the tendency to expect spiritual lessons from the things I write. Well today is no different. I encourage you to do what the Bible says, eat fish, chicken or beef, but stay away from pigs.

Now to give you advance warning, the following is some of the footage we saw that helped us make up our minds to not do the hog slaughter. Don't look if you are squeemish. Now don't say I didn't warn you.

Oh Yea, here is that contact information again.

The Virtual Pew
P.O. Box 17731
Wichita, KS 67217

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